Steeling Patience
by lovetvfan
Summary: Yet another answer to the question: What was in the letter Steele wrote at the end of "Sensitive Steele"? I don't own the characters. I am just playing with them.


Laura Holt had always loved the ocean. One of the best things about living in Los Angeles was the ability to walk along the water any time she needed to think or just get away from the grind of work. There was something about the feel of the sand under her feet, and the salt spray in her hair that refreshed and invigorated her.

One of the reasons she had agreed to take the case at the Friedlich Sensitivity Spa was because of its romantic location and proximity to the water. She'd hoped the case would be relatively simple and easy to wrap up, leaving herself and her partner, the man she knew as Remington Steele, alone to explore their feelings.

She had imagined the two of them walking along the water, holding hands and enjoying a rare moment of quiet in an otherwise noisy and chaotic life. She had pictured the confessions they both might make towards one another, allowing them to finally take the next step in their relationship.

She had been so caught up in her own fantasies of what the next step would look like for the two of them, that she hadn't bothered to consider whether or not Mr. Steele was on the same page.

After reading Mr. Steele's abysmal attempt at a letter supposedly containing her best qualities, Laura had been bitterly disappointed to realize that her partner had had no such intention to participate in that exploration.

That disappointment had been the reason Laura had aired out her feelings the way she had in the Latent Hostility Class – a fight that had caused the two of them to retreat into themselves nursing their wounds while they wrapped up the case.

The irony of the culprits having been a married couple who had stopped communicating with one another was not lost on her. It had been a huge eye opener for her to see two people who had clearly seemed so much in love with one another turn out to be complete strangers.

Was that what marriage was? Was she chasing a dream that didn't exist? She wasn't sure she even wanted the answers to those questions.

And so, here they were. The case was finished and the two of them were walking along the water together. Only there was no holding hands, no romantic embrace. The advancement in their relationship that Laura had hoped for so desperately had gone completely awry. She couldn't help but wonder if it was all her fault.

There was nothing she regretted more than that argument. Oh, sure, it had been nice to finally verbalize her frustrations. She hadn't realized how desperately she had needed to hear him say something – anything that let her know how he felt. She also hadn't realized just how much anger he had been keeping bottled up over the lack of physical advancement in their relationship.

She had always taken it for granted that when she put the breaks on things, he complied, without question. She had been with men before who had gotten angry or stormed out if she didn't tumble into bed with them, and one of the things that she loved about Mr. Steele was his seemingly endless reserves of patience.

He had never berated her, or attacked her for it. He had always just seemed to know that Laura was fighting a battle within herself – a battle that had nothing to do with him, or how much she desired him.

And yet, she hadn't taken into account what that must have done to his own feelings and self worth. To be constantly rejected over and over by the person with whom you were trying to pursue a relationship with, must have been very difficult.

Laura hadn't realized until that fight just how much they were both holding back from one another and how much more they both needed. It was a realization however, that had come at great cost. They had also both said some terrible things to one another – things they couldn't take back no matter how much they had wanted to.

She would never forget how it had felt to hear him angrily proclaim that she was living in the past and that it was her own inhibitions and fears that were keeping them apart.

Never before had he gone after her like that. Never before had he called her out on the trauma she had buried when her father left her mother. She hadn't even realized how deeply it had affected her until she heard him yell that he wasn't the man who had left her mother. It was in that instant that she realized he was partially right. She had been projecting the anger and helplessness she had felt has a child onto him and their relationship. If she couldn't keep her father from leaving, how could she possibly expect a man like Remington Steele to stay?

And yet hearing him say it out loud like that had filled her with uncontrollable rage. How dare he throw that at her! How dare he make her deepest fears and insecurities public like that! She had felt exposed and furious, and as a result she had lashed out at him, wanting nothing more than to hurt him the same way he had hurt her. And boy had she succeeded.

Why had she told him she was better off without him? The moment those words left her lips she saw the hurt in his eyes and desperately wanted to take them back. She had watched as his jaw tightened and the pain filtered across his face. He had tried to hide it, to mask it with an anger of his own, but Laura had seen how much she had affected him. In that one moment, she realized just how much she could hurt him. Knowing that, told her more than a declaration of love ever could. It was a cruel lesson to learn and one she was still paying for.

She could still see the look in his eyes as he asked her if she had really meant what she had said. She had wanted to say no. She'd wanted to say that she understood it now – that she had realized that only love could hurt so very much. But Maxine interrupted her, reassuring Steele that she had meant those awful words and he had stormed out before she had the chance.

She had spent the next few days trying to talk to him, to get him to open up, but he had completely shut himself off from her. After a couple futile attempts, she gave up as well, and the two of them focused all their pent-up emotions on the case at hand.

Though their personal life was at a crossroad, their professional life remained as strong as ever. They solved the case quickly and efficiently, leaving themselves with little to do there and no reason to stay.

Which is why Laura was taken completely off guard when Steele suggested the walk on the beach. She had agreed, and the two of them had begun walking in silence – each unsure of how to approach the other.

It was a cooler day than usual and the sun had gone in which was rather poetic considering the cooling off between them that had taken place. Still, the air was fresh and crisp, with a soft mist that caused both of their hair to dampen within minutes. Its beauty wasn't lost on her, nor was the attraction she felt to the man walking next to her.

He wore a grey pullover, and casual jeans, a look he didn't don very often. There was something about seeing him in every day comfortable clothing that Laura found irresistible. It was if all the designer suits were merely a uniform designed to keep her, and everyone else, from ever truly knowing the man underneath. Seeing him like this was almost like watching him strip himself of that armor leaving him vulnerable and open in a way that she rarely ever got to see.

Laura wanted to tell him she was sorry. She wanted to say she had not meant a single word she said and that she needed him in her life more than she realized, but the words refused to come. Finally, he spoke first, breaking the silence between them.

"So where are we? See, I'm talking again."

Laura pulled her coat around herself protectively, trying to verbalize the swirl of emotions raging through her. She met his gaze, and for the first time in their relationship she felt nervous and unsure of what to say. Did she want to risk everything and tell him how she truly felt? Were they ready for that?

"This time I'm the one who doesn't have anything to say." She admitted, deciding to take the safe way out. She wasn't sure that she was ready to go out on that limb, especially after all they had said to each other before. She looked back down at her feet, feeling deeply unsettled by the directness of his gaze.

"Were you really better off before you met me?" He asked. He tried to hide it, but Laura could tell there was real fear in his words. Laura took a deep breath. She longed to reassure him that their relationship was like air to her. To lose it would be to lose a part of herself, but she feared that they were not ready for that kind of honesty. Someday, perhaps, but not now. It was still too fresh and they were both still to unsure. She decided to go with partial honesty.

"No," She said, as she turned to face him. The moment their eyes met, he too looked away. It was as if they were both afraid to risk the other seeing just how vulnerable they were. It made Laura feel better to know he was just as scared as she was. "Life was easier, though. Less interesting, but easier."

He looked down, nodding his head in agreement.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Before I met you, I didn't know where I'd be the next day, or with whom." He was looking into the distance now, something Laura had come to realise he did when any discussion of his past came up. She understood now that it was a distancing tactic and one he probably didn't even realize he was guilty of. "Didn't really matter though. I always liked it like that. But that all changed the day I met you."

Their eyes met again, and Laura could see the honesty he was so very desperately trying to give her. She wanted to reciprocate in kind, but had no idea where to go from there.

"Changed for the better?" She asked, meeting one direct question with another. They looked at one another for a moment, and Laura could see the genuine affection mixed with wariness.

"Oh I don't know, sometimes I've wondered about that." He said with a soft chuckle. Looking back at her, Laura felt her heart speed up at the intensity in his eyes. "But….here we are."

"Yes." Was all she could think to say. There was something in the way he was looking at her that stole the words from her lips. How did he manage to do that? He looked down again, scratching his nose as if searching for the right words to say.

"Laura, I know we both want – whatever it is we have between us – we both want it to go forward."

She nodded, knowing just how difficult saying those words to her must have been.

"I think you're right." She agreed, her heart racing at the direction this conversation was taking. Was he really saying what she thought he was saying? Were they ready to take things forward?

"So…" He trailed off nervously.

"So how do we get there?" She asked. The uncertainty settled back in again, both of them too afraid to say or do the wrong thing.

"Well, words don't come easy to me – well at least not the ones you need to hear, anyway." He admitted. Laura felt her heart sink ever so slightly at this admission, despite the fact that she had known it was coming. She appreciated his honesty more than he would ever know, but it still hurt to know that he feared telling her how he felt.

"Well it's hard to be a man of mystery if you give all your secrets away." She said, hoping that by meeting him halfway she could send the message that he could trust her. If she built a bridge now, perhaps they could both cross it together in the future.

"Where I come from, I learned to read people by what they did, not by what they said. There are too many traps in that"

Another allusion to his past, only this time Laura felt no resentment. Clearly there were things he had been through that he couldn't yet talk about. She wondered just who had hurt him and how deeply.

"I understand." She said gently. And she was surprised to realize she did, in fact, understand him now. It had taken almost four years, but she now knew that he had given her all he was capable of at the moment. She had been foolish to think that a romantic setting alone would cause him to reveal his demons to her. Only trust and time could do that, and Laura was only now starting to realize they had time on their side. If she wanted him to trust her, and confide in her, she needed to back off and let him come to her.

He turned once more, but didn't face her just yet.

"Uh…Listen I took a stab at revising my letter." He looked at her, his deep blue eyes twinkling mischievously. Laura felt her skip a beat whenever he looked at her that way. Was he aware of the effect he had on her? "Remember the one where I had to put down your most endearing qualities? Well, here it is."

She tried not to let him see how surprised she was as he handed her the letter. The last thing she had been expecting while they were not talking to one another, was for him to sit down and put pen to paper outlining her best qualities. Her fingers trembled as she pulled the paper from the envelope and opened it. She scanned the text with her heart in her throat, aware that he was watching her anxiously.

It read:

_Laura Holt's Best Qualities_

_Her patience_

_Her smile _

_Her patience_

_Her laugh_

_Her patience_

_Her eyes_

_Her patience_

_Her tenacity_

_Her patience_

_Her strength_

_Her patience_

_Her lips_

_Her patience_

_Her bravery_

_Her patience_

_Her curves_

_Her patience_

_Her heart_

_Her patience_

_Her incredible faith in me_

_Keep being patient with me, Laura. I'm trying._

A lump formed in her throat as she took in the contents of the letter. For the first time in their relationship she could see that he had been trying to tell her he loved her all along. It was in the way he trusted in her. It as in the way he believed in her. It was in the look he was giving her right now. It was a sobering realization and one that made her want to both melt into his embrace and run a mile in the opposite direction.

A smile crept across her face without her even realizing it. When she finally looked up to meet his gaze, they both found themselves grinning from ear to ear. She felt as if a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

Before she even realized what was happening she found herself being pulled into a loving embrace. He held her tightly, almost as if he were afraid to let her go. Despite the coolness of the day, his body was warm and solid against hers. She wondered if he could feel her heart racing the way she sensed his.

Impulsively, she stood on her tiptoes and kissed his neck. The contact sent shivers up her spine. He tasted of salt and smelled of the bar soap from their room at the spa. He held her so tightly and she fought the urge to tell him she loved him right then and there. He had offered her his heart in that letter and she finally understood the courage it had taken him to do so. Why had it taken her so long?

When they finally parted, he smiled at her. It was as if a veil had been lifted as she looked at him. There was a deep love in his eyes that she had never realized was there before. How could she have missed it?

"Well it's a beginning anyway? Eh?" He said, his voice heavy with unspoken emotion.

She laughed and nodded, unable to speak, lest she burst into tears. He threw her arm around her as they began to walk down the beach together.

She settled into the crook of his arm, marvelling at how safe she felt in that moment. It wasn't perfect, and she knew that they would both make mistakes going forward, but she also knew for the first time that they were truly in this together. Whatever came their way, they would handle it as partners and equals.

She thought back to the letter as they continued their walk. After everything that happened, all he had asked her for was her patience. It was both the simplest and most difficult request he could have made from her.

_Keep trying, Mr. Steele, _she thought, _I'll be waiting. _


End file.
